One Question on male friendship

I’m fortunate to have so many deep and valued connections - throughout my career I’ve been privileged to know a wonderful bunch of interesting people around me.

One such person is John Sills. In the summer of 2019 John introduced me to Sarah Parsonage because he felt we should know each other. We met for a glass of wine soon after and have stayed in touch since, mostly via Instagram messages and WhatsApps where we geek over the latest episode of HBO’s Industry or a stand-out Stephen Colbert interview. And so thanks to John I’m grateful to have Sarah in my life. Sarah is founder of One Question, an organisation that challenges the way we think about our every day by asking one question from a range of different industry perspectives.

On Monday I went along to an event Sarah was hosting as part of a series at Soho House. The format is that one question is asked and in response multiple perspectives are gathered.

The question posed on Monday was: “What is missing from male friendship?” On the panel alongside Sarah were James Scroggs, Chairman of suicide prevention charity Campaign Against Living Miserably and founder of New Working Class, and Tal Booker, tattoo artist and CALM ambassador.

There was broad agreement in the room that historically men have communicated to each other by their relationship to success and what they’ve achieved. When men talk to one another, therefore, it can feel performative. Men have generally been taught failure is bad and this informs how we show up with one another. Men might brag about a job promotion or sporting achievement. Women on the other hand are more open to the notion of failing, and so are more honest and open.

We discussed how we can shift the narrative and create the scaffolding where men feel able to show up for each other with more openness. I found inspiration in four young male friends sitting in the audience, all in their mid twenties, who shared how close they are, how they are there for each other and that they message each other every day. They explained that they’d been close since University but it was running a marathon in Barcelona that cemented their relationship.

How have they managed to achieve such a strong friendship? James asked. They’d had to work at it, one said, but the key was listening and asking questions.

I think that’s a brilliant call to action for all friendships. Listening well, asking questions to understand better and really hearing the answers - these things are going to help us have a stronger understanding of how we are and how we feel. Then we can be there for each other.

As a father of two young men, as a man navigating prostate cancer and also as a storyteller, I’m keen to change the narrative when it comes to talking about difficult stuff. I believe that by opening up about our struggles we can counter some of the negative effects people find themselves experiencing - such as loneliness, misinformation and misunderstanding. Part of changing this experience is improving how men relate to one another.

So back to where we started and connections. This wasn’t the first time I met James. We’d taken part in an ante-natal class in 2005 in south west London when our wives were pregnant. I discovered on Monday that our sons were then born on the same day. It was good to reconnect with James and now we’ve two decades of fatherhood to catch up on!

Thanks to Sarah for organising.